HELE historien om Jeremy Clarkson

PORTRÆT: Hvad har gjort Jeremy Clarkson fra Top Gear (nu forhenværende), til det tv-fænomen han er? Svaret er en blanding af god timing og autenticitet. Han er mesteren af den giftige analogi, og jeg har samlet en række af hans sjoveste citater nederst i artiklen. Men hvordan er han blevet den han er? Jeg har kigget på både Clarkson-gate og fænomenet Clarkson, og det er der kommet et par længere artikler i Berlingske ud af, hvor jeg kommer nærmere tv-fænomenet Jeremy Clarkson.

Jeremy Clarkson har siden starten af nullerne, sparket motorjournalistikken ud i hjørner af virkeligheden, hvor den aldrig har været før. (PR FOTO)

Jeremy Clarkson har siden starten af nullerne, sparket motorjournalistikken ud i hjørner af virkeligheden, hvor den aldrig har været før. (PR FOTO)

Den første handler om Top Gear og programmet succes, og om hvorfor Jeremy Clarkson måtte ryge ud før eller siden. Succesen stod ikke skrevet i stjernerne. Forestil jer en salgs-seance til en tv-kanal, hvor tre midaldrende og halvtykke mænd foreslår et program om biler, hvor de opfører sig umodent og generelt bare tager pis på hinanden i 45 minutter.

Alle tv-producenter jeg kender, ville have slået sig på lårene og tilkaldt vagterne. Men BBC gav Jeremy Clarkson chancen, og siden kom Hammond og May til. Kemien mellem de tre værter – med Jeremy Clarkson i spidsen, gjorde programmet til en gigantsucces. Men Clarksons grænsesøgende stil, måtte dog i sidste ende føre til et brud med BBC. Læs hele historien “Èn gang for meget Clarkson” her.

Takket være Top Gear er motorjournalistikken blevet folkeeje. Og selvom både Hammond og may er fremragende værter, så er Clarkson hjernen bag det moderne Top Gear format.

Takket være Top Gear er motorjournalistikken blevet folkeeje. Og selvom både Hammond og may er fremragende værter, så er Clarkson hjernen bag det moderne Top Gear format.

Og det leder mig hen til den anden historie. For der er en grund til, at Jeremy Clarkson er blevet som han er. Utilrettet, umoden og grovkornet. Selvsamme kvaliteter, der har gjort ham til en tv-succes. Han er vokset op på kærlighed, tillid og med Paddington-penge nok i ryggen til at give ham en følelse af at kunne gå på vandet. En tur forbi en lokalavis og et par år som utilrettet playboy i London, er den korte historie om, hvordan man skaber den perfekte tv-vært til et bilprogram. Vil du have hele historien, så læs “Fænomenet Clarkson” her.

Jeg er splittet i forhold til Clarkson. Til tider er han for useriøs i forhold til mit fagområde: Motorjournalistikken. På den anden side, har han gjort motorjournalistik til en tilskuersport for millioner af ikke bilinteresserede tv-seer, og det smitter positivt af på mit fagområde. Og så er han sjov. Hvis biler skal interesserer andre end en snæver kreds af fagnørder, så skal det serveres med humor. Det skal afleveres som underholdning. Så på den måde skylder jeg Clarkson alt. Som jeg skrev min personlige hyldest til ham “Tak Clarkson”, som du kan læse her.


Og så citaterne. Clarkson er hysterisk morsom, når han rammer den lige i røven. Her er en række af hans sjoveste citater. På originalsproget engelsk, for oversættelser hæmmer forståelsen. God grinelyst!

And when you rely on a sat nav, you don’t notice that the sun is in the wrong place in the sky. You stop using your inbuilt compass, your innate sense of which way is up. And don’t argue with any of this. Everyone can navigate by instinct, and if you can’t there’s something wrong with you and you should be in prison. The only people who can’t navigate instinctively are women and anyone trying to find Malpensa airport in Milan.

We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging.

Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… That’s what gets you.

I’ve seen better looking gangrenous wounds than this. (Clarkson on the Porsche Cayenne)

(Referring to the Porsche Cayenne) 0-60 takes 5 and a half seconds…and about 17 gallons of fuel….

Now we’ve been told in this new series, we’ve got to feature more green cars. So here’s one. It’s really the greenest car we could find, really. (A bright green Lamborghini Murcielago)

Now we get quite a few complaints that we don’t feature enough affordable cars on the show, so we’re kicking off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all. (a Ferrari F430)

(At start of Top Gear Nov. 2005 season, after a teaser featuring dozens of supercars) welcome to Greenpeace!

A turbo, exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, with a supercharger, air goes in,witchcraft happens and you go faster.

This is the latest S Class. Now available with a very economical: Twin-turbo, Six litre… I don’t mean economical do I? That’s the wrong word…

At this point the Germans are propably rolling around on the floor laughing, So: “Ze tommies have made ein car out of spit und kleenex, zhey will be crushed.” (Testing the MG SV prototype)

Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear, I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would. One day, it would pull your head off.

In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

Supercars are supposed to run over Arthur Scargill and then run over him again for good measure. They are designed to melt ice caps, kill the poor, poison the water table, destroy the ozone layer, decimate indigenous wildlife, recapture the Falkland Islands and turn the entire third world into a huge uninhabitable desert, all that before they nicked all the oil in the world

That means, a Range Rover, doing 10,000 miles a year, produces less pollution a day than a cow farting(While discussing about “Methane as a global warming agent”)

The only reason anyone bought the old Land Rover Discovery was because they couldn’t afford a Range Rover.

As a result, it weighs 2.7 tonnnes – and that makes it heavier than a Rolls-Royce Phantom. It’s so heavy, that if you were to load it up with stuff, and then hitch up a trailor to the back; technically, you need an LGV licence.

It’s really as useful, as a snooze button on a smoke alarm. (Regarding the adjustable suspension in the Bentley Continental GT)

(Top Gear Bloopers) I’ve just realised something, it’s late…and I’m drunk!

(Top Gear Bloopers) Who has decided to do Nazi Route Marching?

(Top Gear Bloopers)(Car Alarm Goes Off) Would you like to come to Top Gear again? Morons.

(On the Audi R8) Driving most supercars is like trying to manhandle a cow up a back staircase, but this is like smearing honey onto Keira Knightley.

I’d like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.

The Ferrari 355 is like a quail’s egg dipped in celery salt and served in Julia Roberts’ belly button.

(On the Alfa Romeo Brera) Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You’ve heard she’s mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn’t you?

(On the Brera again, talking about a version with a slow 0-60mph time and a big price tag) It’s like Cameron Diaz. You know she’s a vegetarian, you know she’s a commited eco-mentalist… would you say no? That car is like Cameron Diaz, with wheels.

The Caterham may only have 250 bhp, but you have to remember that it weighs about the same…..as a j-cloth.

We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It’s the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it’s full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.

If this car was a breakfast. It would be cornflakes on toast.

(On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG)It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.

Aston Martin DB9… that’s not really a racing car, that’s just pornography.

(Ariel Atom) This is driving Nirvana! You can forget anything you’ve ever driven, anything. There is no car, nothing on four wheels, that is as fast as this.

The most hard core BMW ever made. (M3 CSL)

(about the Ferrari F40) And what I love is that when you’re on the over-run, and you take your foot of the throttle, listen!… there are these huge bounces… just dumps great wads of unburnt fuel into the exhaust… FOR FUN!

(test driving a Turbo Bentley through a cloud of rubber smoke) It’s like Blenheim Palace on wheels!

(Aston Martin V8 Vantage Roadster) I would rather be in this than in Keira Knightley.

(On the BMW X3) If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning, and you think you are an onion, this is your car.

What Overfinch did with the old Range Rover was replace the 4.6 Litre Engine with a 5.7 Litre V8 from a Corvette. And thats fine in a car which weighs nearly 2 tonnes…If your name is BP Esso McShell.

Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you’ve got the ebola virus and you’re about to sneeze.

The old DB7, that was just…a Jag in Drag…it was an XJS in a party frock. This (the Aston-Martin DB9) is completely different…

No, no, no. There’s no such thing as cheap and cheerful. It’s cheap and nasty & expensive and cheerful. (referring to Proton Savvy)

I’d rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy; Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation; I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.

You do not just avoid the Suzuki Wagon R. You avoid it like you would avoid unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite.

(about the Ford GT40) Was this the greatest hypercar of them all? Well, that’s a question I’ve never really been able to answer, because the GT40 is 40 inches tall… and I’m not.

Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You’d just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.

(On cars at a Max Power show) Most of these cars will do 0-60 once….and then they’ll blow up.

What did the Morris Marina compete against?… walking?… the bus?

Deciding which one is worse (the Austin Allegro or Morris Marina), is like deciding which leg you’d rather have amputated.

(about the Ford Escort) It’s powered by engines so rough, even Moulinex wouldn’t use them.

Whenever I’m suffering from Insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.

Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.

(about the Renault Clio V6) I think the problem is that it’s French… It’s a surrender monkey.

It costs Volkswagen 200 pounds to buy a set of four fuel injectors for the Golf diesel. Kia could propably make a couple of cars for that.

This is for every time I’ve caught you dawdling at junctions, this is for every time I’ve caught you doing 4 miles per hour in a motorway. This is PAYBACK TIME!! (Clarkson shouting at a Volvo 340 seconds before it is put through a crusher)

This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying ‘Oh good, I’ve got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!’

This pram’s turning circle is tighter than Thrifty McThrift’s Book of Belt-Tightening for Boys!

(about the Chevrolet Corvette Z06) In many ways then this car is like herpes. Great fun catching it but not so much fun live with every day.

(on the McLaren F1 in his movie, Most Outrageous) I respect it enormously, in the same way I respected my old head master. But we never became friends.

(On a Buick LeSabre) It was rubbish when it was new, it was built by idiots, and it’s rubbish now.

(On a Audi RS4 Convertible) The only person who looked good in a 4-seated convertible was Adolf Hitler

(On the evolution of the Golf GTI between MkI and MkIV) I voted for this as the greatest car of the 20th century. Over the years, however, the Golf GTI got bigger, and fatter, and slower. Think of it as Elvis Presley. It started off all athletic and full of vigour, and wound up on the lavatory, an enormous, dribbling hulk.

(To Lewis Hamilton at the NTA Awards) …And if you see Fernando Alonso again, tell him his eyebrows are too big…

(About Drummers) Drummers are a bit like house flies. They’re born, they make a noise, then they die. From his column in ‘The Sun’ newspaper

KILDE: http://www.jeremyclarkson.co.uk/jc-top-gear-quotes/

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